Breaking Down

Yesterday was a tough one. I have not been able to get a complete night's rest in about five days. I have had so many thoughts running back and forth. For example, did I make the right decision in having this surgery, what was I thinking putting these foreign objects into my body, and was this choice made in vain?

Saturday night a large group of us went out for pizza, we had a fantastic time, but I was a tad distracted. I had to force myself several times to focus on the present moment. I was consumed with what was going on around me. I had placed myself at the center of every person that was present that night. I felt like they were all staring at me. Omi goodness, this girl must have been out of her mind! I felt like one of those girls that needed every ounce of attention I could possibly muster up. The truth is, sure people looked at me. I personally know this well. Considering I could watch people for hours on end (I find it fascinating). The emotional forthcoming was I'm sure due to my lack of sleep and my subconscious thoughts that perhaps had been ignored.

Thank the Lord above, because last night I got seven hours. Don't get me wrong it was not seven hours straight, but very overdue nonetheless. All of these questions have forced me to look at myself from the inside out. Some of these reflections are brilliant and others not so much. This procedure has forced me to look at myself in a much different light than I have in a very long time. To evaluate who I am and who I want to be. The shedding of these tears I know will make me a bit stronger in some way. It has also reminded me that I did this for me! It does not matter what anyone thinks because they do not truly know me anyway. After much deliberation I have come to the conclusion that I made my decision for all the right reasons. My peek inside has reminded me to always have faith in myself and my choices. It is almost as if a new chapter has opened and I am really looking forward to what it brings!